Here’s a joke that is not really a joke! Lol 😅
I had a whole blog written out to post this month, then I remembered today is World Suicide Prevention Day (WSPD), September is Suicide Prevention Month. Sadly, I just educated someone…because suicide is an unheeded issue.
I had no plans of being so open and vulnerable at this early stage, but what better way is there to bring about awareness than to share YOUR STORY?!! So, here is mine… but before, let me use some seconds to say thank you, and WELCOME BACK! If you are new, WELCOME! Nuff love an’ blessings! Do enjoy this piece, show some love, and feel free to share your story.
DISCLAIMER: Writing this piece was a challenge. It was hard raking up feelings and memories I had thrown away. Also, my story may seem lacking because I tried to separate my depression story from my suicidal story… for reasons of course. But here goes!
According to The World Health Organization, suicide is the second leading cause of death among ages 15-29 globally.
What does this data tell you? Isn’t this enough evidence that suicide is real? Yes, SUICIDE IS A REAL ISSUE! I know because I was on the battlefield with suicidal thoughts, and I had friends and family members who suffered similarly. You might hear it in the news, or on social media… and majority of the time, it is taken lightly until it actually happens in-home, or close to home. But this is a warning… Take suicide seriously. In fact, take suicidal thoughts seriously. Be cognizant of these things because they matter.
This graphic says something ! And it’s sad. So again, TAKE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AS SERIOUS AS YOU TAKE THE ACT OF SUICIDE.
For those who are going through an emotional time, those who are healing, and those who are in despair. Don’t give up. Here are five things you should remember. I stated them early just in case you decide to stop reading.
My fight with suicide was a subtle one. I knew I wanted to die, but I was totally unaware of my mental situation. I got extremely emotional over small things, but I thought it was just a part of being sad, I never thought of it as depression. As time goes by, I realize it was getting worst as I was addicted to sad poems on YouTube, sad stories on Wattpad, and sad photos on google…my WhatsApp display picture was frequently updated with sad girls, quotes, blood, and tears… everything sad. I was a whole mess, but I still didn’t know what was wrong. And this right here is the issue, it was my issue, and it is many other’s issue right now- BEING UNAWARE! I wasn’t sad… I was depressed! In hindsight, I saw how dark I was, and how draining it was trying to be normal. I mean, I “had” to be, everyone admired me, I had to live up to expectations. People were looking at my life as an example, I was many people’s role model. So, coming forward was quite difficult and to be honest, it still is.
I know this is how many people feel, but don’t be like me, don’t live up to expectations… Live your reality. Embrace who you are.
If I had embraced who I was when I was depressed, then maybe I would not have gone through it alone, but let’s not delve into my depression story.
My suicidal thoughts would appear every time I got angry, sad, or overwhelmed. I was always scared though, and as a Christian, I feared going to hell. So, it took me a while to actually try. What I did was … (you’re not going to believe this but) …I prayed! I literally begged God to kill me, and I did it for days because if he did…then maybe I wouldn’t burn in hell. I got so angry with him because he just wouldn’t kill me. And because of that, I started googling easy ways to kill myself. But! Google! Failed! me! Too! To find anything, I had to read through posts like these, posts that gave me reasons to not want to die…and every time I failed at ending my life, I’d have a breakdown. It was so hard but thank God it was. I had to (to be honest, I never had to) go through all this anguish alone because no one knew how I felt about life.
The only time I remember talking to someone was when I finally made up my mind. I was so angry I wanted to do crazy things… that which I won’t mention. All I know is, the devil was working… and in my favour. But I was talking to a friend and managed to express how I felt at the moment. This was the first time I openly shared my dark feelings with anyone, and it wasn’t a cry for help. I was really losing it! BUT!!! He saved my life, and this is exactly why it is important to seek help, to talk to someone, to have a support system. He stayed with me that night until early in the morning when I fell asleep. I don’t know how he did it, but he managed to calm me. I was over everything, but he comforted me, showed me love, and distracted me from the pain. Sadly, it didn’t end there. (That’s because, in the morning, everything was dark again – ha! How ironic!😅
When I realized it was so hard to take my own life, I started doing things that would affect my physical body- self-harm. I deliberately starved myself, I’d hit myself against a wall, and sometimes I’d take tablets for no reason. A few friends still worry about me doing this, but guys…I maneuvered the urge to harm myself… I FAILED AT SUICIDE (My proudest failure). I succeeded at choosing life… I CHOSE LIFE!!! (My biggest achievement). And because I did, I want to help someone in that same regard.
First of all, LIFE IS WORTH LIVING! LIFE IS AMAZING! I know this makes no sense to some people right now because if you had told me this two years ago, I would be distraught. WHY? Okay, here are the reasons I wanted to die…
Reasons I wanted to die
- I thought it would be better to die than to live.
- I never felt good enough.
- I loved everyone, but no one seemed to love me as I loved them.
- I believed every bad thing people said about me.
- I thought I was a bother to friends and families.
Do you realize most of those reasons include people? That’s because I was living for people. I tried to please everyone, tried not to be judged, I literally begged for love not realizing I never needed to do any of that. You don’t have to either. Stop living for people. Not everyone will love and accept you, and that’s okay. It’s your life, your body, your heart, your mind, your soul. Give it the love nobody else will. Take it one step at a time and trust me!!!! Things will start to change.
My friend Jhanel started a challenge at the start of September, you could hop on the train, it’s not too late. (SEE MORE IN GRAPHIC.)
With that being said, let me mention that because we are humans, having negative thoughts is inevitable. The most confident people you see on social media grapple with the same issues you have, nobody has it all figured out. But what you can do to is feed your mind and body with positivity! You can start with the challenge above, watch motivational speeches, listen to uplifting music, surround yourself with people that support and motivate you, and do things you love. When I started doing all this, I realize how amazing life is, and why it’s better to live and not die – even when life gets rough. This also involves accepting failures (of all kind) and working pass them.
The last thing I want you to remember is that healing is a process. I wish I knew that, or I wouldn’t be so mad at myself when I was still self-harming. At one point, I really thought I was healed, lol … I no longer had suicidal thoughts, but I was still self-harming AND! I didn’t stop until a few months ago. Celebrate with me! Lol. (I’m still healing- but I’m still allowed to celebrate…You too😆). Anyways! My point is… You have to be patient with yourself. Work through the ups and downs. I promise you, it’s hard but it is possible! Choose life! In fact, TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE! IT’S YOURS!
That’s it guys, I know it was a lengthy post, but it was worth it. Right? 😅I hope someone is filled with inspiration right now. Also, Congratulations overcomers! And well done to those who are healing…keep going!
Thanks for reading! Until next time… BYE! BYE!